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Hridaya 10 day Silent Retreat - Day 4)

Day four

The subject and object are one. When we identify with our thoughts we create separation. Quantum physics says the subject viewed can alter the outcome. I try to get my mind around that.

I watch a raindrop on a railing grow at breakfast, it gathers speed then hangs in the air. Suspended. The sunlight causes it to change colours as I move my head, a perfect diamond transforming into a ruby or citrine with the subtlest movement. I move up and down, side to side, transfixed. Watching in wonder the magic show happening in front of my eyes. I hear the gong. I’ve been watching a raindrop for 30 minutes. Am I losing my mind or am I gaining it?

It’s around 5pm. My meditation has been fraught with discomfort. When one piece of my skin touches another it is agony. This makes asana and twists impossible but funnily enough cobra and pulling the skin apart feels great. I can’t sit so I decide to stand. Standing I get more air around me. I notice my spontaneous pauses after the inhale and exhale, I feel my heart, I ask who am I? In that moment I am not the body, I am a witness riding on the breeze of the fan, that itching and discomfort of the body is not me. I am not the thoughts, though they are few I realize I am not them, I am that…..But what is that???????

In that moment I am god, I understand what it means to “feel more intimate with god then myself.” I am the ultimate reality, the universe, not pride, not ego, not separation but unity we are all god. Unifying ourselves as one. The divine I see when I look at a butterfly and watch the sunlight through it’s wings, the divine that I see when I observe a dragonfly or raindrop, that is the same divine in me. I get a glimpse of pure oneness. Bliss, Samadhi, the world dissolves into one sea of souls. I cannot stand. My knees tremble, I drop to the floor and I do not move for another 90 minutes. I die to everything but the present moment and the feelings of bliss coursing through my body.

I want to hold onto this experience, see the whole of existence this way always. I have recognition of something deeper and not separate. How can I always act/see/feel/be like this?

I leave for home. Its 10pm. I’m exhausted, I’m pleased the cat is not vomiting. Pete is feeding it with the door open. I feel myself get mad….How can he be studying mindfulness and be so unmindful? I want to yell “close the fucking door.” My bliss has left me

The cream has yet to take away the pain. I am pretty sure these are not mosquito bites. They are bigger then before and all seem to set an alarm to know when to co ordinate piercing sensations through my skin.

Another cold shower, another session standing naked in front of the fan. Another night tossing and turning laying awake, trying to sleep between bouts of itching. I am relieved when the alarm goes and I can get up.

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