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Hridaya 10 day Silent Retreat - Day 7)

Day 7)

I am enjoying the asana, feeling the skin on my tummy stretch in up dog or bow gives a moment of relief from the itching, the lengthening of the spine in the kriyas feels like the movement that my body has been missing, the churning of the belly in agnisaura creates a feeling of lightness. I hang onto every word that Sahaja shares about elements and chakras and energy centres. I want to know more, to bring it into my teaching. I still resist the double head shakes. I’m not sure it’s necessary or good for you. I wonder at the lateral movements where we wobble like a doll. But whether I am resisting or wondering the savasana is magic. In question and answers session people write on paper their burning questions or observations. I am shocked how many people write poetically; share their experiences of violet light radiating out from ajna chakra or their preference to focusing on sahasrara. I feel inferior. I am not experiencing what they are. It somehow feels gloating and egotistical….then I wonder if that a reflection of me because I am not like them.

I leave the hall that evening its late, way after 10pm and I want to rip off my skin. I am so over it. I don’t want to itch anymore, I want to be normal, the bites have become blisters the last few days and seem to be spreading. Its bad enough dealing with the ones on my belly but I don’t want the ones on my bottom and nunny to blister. I am holding onto my self image and my body tightly. As I walk to the bike where Pete is waiting for me I burst into tears. “I can’t do it anymore” I blurb through fat sobs. “Get me to hospital.”

We go to our bungalow to grab warmer, waterproof clothes. The sky is black but every few minutes it comes alive with lightning and the threat of rain. We drive to the hospital. I ask to see a doctor and the lady who looks thoroughly pissed off at being disturbed from her TV watching informs me only after the weekend. We get back on the bike and drive to another hospital. I try to keep my words as limited as possible. I am weighed, my blood pressure taken and I finally get to see a doctor. He tells me I am having an allergic reaction to sand fly bites that have got infected. He checks I can pay the bill before taking me to a white sterile, air conditioned room. I am so happy. Its cool, I start dreaming of a Swiss hotel with sealed windows, white linen, air conditioning and no bugs, nothing that bites, nothing green, nothing leafy, nothing steamy or lush. The steroid goes into my vein. I feel it moving through my body, it rushes as it moves through the heart and has the force of a pulsation behind it. I start to feel a tiny bit better. The nurse seems convinced that I should be feeling itchless as she smiles at me….Maybe it will take a bit of time. I go to get up. She indicates for me to lay back down and enters a second bag of fluid into me. My body is fizzing, I understand when someone described taking ayahuasca as feeling the medicine checking them out. We leave the hospital after 1 am and get in bed at 2. I feel like I sleep for the first time in a long time. The alarm goes off before I am awake. That’s a new thing.

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