Hridaya 10 day Silent Retreat - Day 3)
O which way should I follow. Go back the way you came
Today I realize that I have spent more then 15 hours concentrating on my spiritual heart. My heart feels more open. Our hatha sessions include a series of standing back bends into standing forward folds repeated about a million times. I generally don’t like this transition repeatedly. However something has changed, I am finding I am more comfy then ever before, I am moving deeper then ever before, I can see the back of my mat like never before. Maybe all these hours focusing on unraveling and revealing the heart and discovering intimacy with the heart are impacting my backbends. Maybe it was a wall that I’d built up that stopped me experiencing deep movement rather then inflexibility. As I let go of the layers of protection and focus on the shimmer of life, spanda, the vibration and flow my heart creaks open and I drop back into an expression I have never experienced before. Wow! The link between mind, emotion and body is confronting me full on. I already knew it but to experience it so completely is eye opening.
We are offered a break between meditation sessions – I realize it is only the mind telling me I need a break….What do I need a break from? Myself…..its all about being with yourself. The clarity that is immerging, the sweetness is indescribable, when I step outside my vision is clearer, I am pure awareness. Its like a veil has been lifted revealing colour and detail. Dream like energy, lush nature, opening to magic and wonderment. Love is in the air. Universal love. The silence is sensual, my senses are heightened, a cough makes me jump, I nearly explode with joy when I feel the sunshine on my skin at breakfast (Pete and I have given up trying to return to our bungalow) opting to be slow in the garden instead. I find great happiness in collecting frangipani flowers to decorate Shiva at the entrance of our hall over lunch. The small flowers smell heavy and intoxicating.
The participants that signed up for only the first 3 days will leave today….I feel like I am just beginning.
At lunch Pete and I drive to the street animal rescue centre. Pete runs in and jots a note to the vet telling her the cat is still vomiting again. She agrees to follow us to our bungalow so she can see where it hangs out and give it an IV to hydrate it. I hang back. My skin is on fire. The rain and sunshine are making the air heavy and sticky. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin. Everything hurts my belly and butt, the fabric of my dress is painful, the lace on my knickers feels like barbed wire, Pete’s huge backpack that he wears everywhere sits on it as we ride the bike. I am irritated, cranky, exhausted for lack of sleep and in discomfort. We get back to the bungalow and the vet does her thing, I stand under a cold shower, then stand naked in front of the fan. This is the only way I can get comfy. Thoughts of the beach at lunch disappeared a long time ago. All I can think is “I am not the body.”
During self practice I head to the pharmacy, I show the pharmacist my bites, we don’t speak, we don’t share a language. He can see I am in distress and gives me a cream. Indicating to rub it in fully, along with antihistamine to take. I leave hopeful I might sleep tonight.